Are you struggling a little right now? It’s OK to admit that you’re not OK. That’s actually a good start. Knowing that there’s something wrong can be hard to spot as we push on through the challenges of our daily lives. However, that isn’t going to solve anything other than acknowledging that something needs to change for your own well being.
What practical steps can you take to overcome those feelings of panic, anxiety?
How do you overcome the feeling of not being in control over what’s happening right now?
Last year, I discovered a really simple technique. It only takes a few minutes of your time and it’s a good practice to try and master when you’re feeling stressed, anxious or frustrated. I don’t always manage it myself. I am, by nature, an impatient person, keen to make progress.
It takes only a small amount of time to do this and if you can manage it, you will find it very useful. It’s called the ABC of Optimism, though personally, I prefer to take the alphabet a little further.
It’s the ABCDE of Optimism. Here’s what I found.
Your outlook on life can have a significant affect on your overall well being. For many years, it was believed that because optimism and pessimism are personality traits, they were fixed attitudes and could not be changed. I used to think the same way. And in these strange times we find ourselves in our default setting which can easily be a gloomy one.
Driven by the tendency of news media to be negative, our outlook can become overwhelmingly negative, even for the most optimistic of people.
Right now, in the middle of this COVID 19 thing, I seem to spend most of my time when out and about making eye contact with people and smiling in reassurance. As I stand in the supermarket queue in my 2 metres of social distancing, I look around me a see a variety of reactions on people’s faces.
Some are chilled out, relatively calm. While others have that look behind the eyes that they are only just hanging on. All I can do is smile, make eye contact, offer a simple comment on the weather, or a small joke about what a civilised way to shop this all is. So much better than the Christmas sales.
Sometimes it’s not much help, other times it starts a little conversation, which is very much unlike me. I’m the kind of person that traditionally is intolerant of others in crowds. I used to be quite dismissive, more than a little judgemental of others. In general I grew to avoid ’the public’ as a police traffic officer friend of mine describes our population.
I’m kind of an introverted person and therefor the whole COVID isolation period hasn’t affected me as much as some people. However, I have to admit that a few weeks in, even someone like myself is beginning to feel it a little. I’m one of those who is kind of famous for being happy with his own company and often irritated by crowds. And yet I am finding myself missing the interaction with others.
So, I began to realise that if I felt that way, then others of a more gregarious nature could be really struggling.
And above all, the thing that people seem to struggle with most is gaining a realistic perspective on things.
It seems that the ABC of Optimism is badly needed right now.
This is something that rolls out across many areas of life. Our mind just loves playing tricks on us. It’s sense of fun towards the human host it lives in, plus our default setting of a negative outcome on things brought about by our Lizard Brain means that if we are not careful, we can let our minds scare us half to death. Or allow us to become paranoid and utterly lose a capacity for realistic thought.
I know, I’ve been there. Done that. Somewhere in my bottom drawer, I have the T Shirt.
In the course of it all, I discovered a book called Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman.
There are lots of things I enjoyed about the book and it was one of those reads that set me on a course of investigating far more how my own brain works and how, whenever it senses the chance, it just loves playing tricks and sending you crazy.
Martin’s theory is that we all have a setting ranging from incredible optimism to deep pessimism. This ranges from people who live in a ridiculously upbeat world who often cannot see problems until they are too far in to do something, but “Hey everything will be fine.” Not the person you want in command of an airliner when the engines quit. You want a realist.
At the other end, there are people who have a dark, negative view on life, bordering on outright depression. And of course, people who sadly suffer clinically in this way.
In between are you and I. Somewhere on the spectrum. Martin’s premise is that we can shift ourselves further up the scale and ‘learn’ optimism. How we are right now is not set in stone. We can improve our outlook. Here’s the simple technique you’ll find in the book.
It’s called the ABCDE of optimism. It’s a tool that I found very useful at a time in my life when things could have been going better. When you’re struggling to maintain a decent perspective on things, that’s when your mind just loves to stir things up. And it’s easy to succumb to that strong pull of crazy runaway train of thoughts that can make you even more stressed, worried or miserable.
So here’s a short overview of a way to stop, take a breath and analyse what is actually happening in your life or your world and how to stop your mind playing tricks. I’ve written the basics of the ABCDE idea directly below, then a couple of short analogies to give it some context.
If you think this will work for you, I would encourage you to copy and paste the first part into your favourite note taking app and keep it with you. Then when you feel the need, feel like you’re losing the plot, open it up and go through that sequence.
I hope you find it useful.
The ABCDE of Optimism – copy and paste this part:
A – Adversity – Describe what happened
B – Belief – What I believed and how I interpreted that
C – Consequences – How I felt about it – What I did as an action
D – Disputation – Four ways to dispute my own unfounded accusations and thoughts.
Evidence – Is this thought actually true or is it your rumination?*
Alternatives – Is there a less destructive way to look at this?
Implications – Even if this belief was correct, what are the real implications? And just how likely are those awful implications?
Usefulness – How useful is this thought? Write down the thought and assign time later to consider it more fully. Detail ways to change the situation in the future
E – Externalisation – Find someone to criticise me.
*Rumination is that process where you just keep going over and over and over something in your mind. Like being in a tumble dryer, you can’t seem to find a way to stop it you just keep on going over and over.
So how does this work in practice?
Here’s two totally fictional characters, with a sprinkle of personal experience, to show how this plays out.
- Susie met a really cool guy. They’re been getting along really well, each time they meet things get that little bit better but every time they have been out it’s been as part of a group, not a solo date. Last time out with friends, she was sure he kept giving her that look across the room. She’s sure it wasn’t just her imagination. She’s really hoping that this could be the one. For 24 hours now, she hasn’t heard back from that last WhatsApp selfie she sent him. She thought is was quite funny, just the right amount of sexy. In fact, she’s not even sure from the notification screen whether he’s read it. Even though it shows that it’s been delivered.
- Nick is single, late twenties, fit and athletic, enjoys life. In the shower last night, he discovered a lump on one of his testicles. He went to the doctor this morning, his local GP, had the mildly embarrassing examination. He told him it was probably nothing. Probably a cyst or just a benign lump. Nick’s now worried that he may have to wait 8 weeks for a CT scan to clarify it. 8 weeks seems like an awfully long way away.
So here we go. ABCDE.
A – Adversity. Describe what happened.
Susie – He hasn’t replied. I’m sure he must have seen it.
Nick – There’s a lump on my nuts and I am in that prime age group. Finding it in the shower was scary.
B – Belief – What I believed and how I interpreted that.
Susie – He can see it without opening WhatsApp to see it so he must have read my text part and seen the kiss – kiss bit even if he didn’t see the selfie. He’s lost interest in me. I knew that ex-girlfriend was still around. I shouldn’t have signed it with the two kisses, we haven’t even been on a proper date yet. He’s deliberately ghosting me. He’s doing it on purpose to see how much he can keep me hanging on. I hate it when people pick me up and put me down. He’s probably laughing with his mates right now, showing it to them. In fact, that ex-G lives just around the corner and I am 40 miles away, she could pop around any time she likes. I have no way of knowing what they’re up to. Bastards.
Nick – I’m going to die. Google says so. I am in the prime age group. The doctor said it was ‘probably nothing’. I hate that word ‘probably’. ‘Definitely’ sounds way better. I went on Google last night, even though I was told not to and it says that it is actually one of the most survivable cancers. There’s a 95% cure rate and it never comes back. But I just know that I will probably be in the 5% that don’t make it. He’s booked me in for a scan to be sure, but that could be weeks away. Meanwhile this thing is growing inside me, killing me. It’s one of the commonest cancers in men my age. I’m going to die.
C – Consequences – How I felt about it – What I did as an action
Susie – I felt like he was making fun of me. I felt that he didn’t really like me after all. I felt that he was probably seeing someone else and that I was just there to be picked up and put down if he felt like it. I’m not having that. I did something I instantly regretted. I sent him a whole series of texts asking why he hadn’t replied, hadn’t even read my messages. He didn’t reply. In fact, I’m not even sure they were delivered, there was only one tick on WhatsApp.
Nick – I’m terrified. It’s OK for that doctor to say it’s probably nothing. They’re not his nuts and it’s not his life. He’s not the one going to have to struggle through chemotherapy, it’s OK for him. He only saw me for a few minutes, how can he possibly know for sure? He’s not a cancer specialist, he’s just a GP who gives out flu jabs. So I went on Google and read about it more. Now I am really scared.
D – Disputation – Four ways to dispute my own unfounded accusations and thoughts.
Evidence – Is this thought actually true or is it your rumination?*
Susie – I don’t know. It’s actually not been 24 hours, more like 18. And I haven’t seen him with anyone else, I just haven’t heard from him. And it’s not like we have been going out or talking of living together. We haven’t even been on a solo date.
Nick – It’s still just a lump at this stage. That’s all. It’s only two days since I first found it and it hasn’t changed either. I have no idea how long it’s been there. Could have been months. Google isn’t actually my friend as everyone says. I’m just reading hypothetical scenarios that aren’t true yet.
Alternatives – Is there a less destructive way to look at this?
Susie – I do remember that he gets really busy sometimes. Also, his work won’t always let him have his mobile to hand. And even before this, he isn’t one of those guys who lives with his phone beside him. When we were out as a group, he actually left it at home. And on evenings he turns of his data because he is only on pay and go and refused to pay more. Maybe he’s just busy. After all, we’re not engaged or married. Just friends.
Nick. – It’s just a lump, dude. Chill out. People get lumps all the time. You know loads of people who have had similar situations and been just fine. You’re fit, strong and healthy. And anyway, you were perfectly happy until you decided to check yourself in the shower. It’s good that you did, the lump is tiny and there’s no other evidence that I am ill. You simply want peace of mind, that’s all.
Implications – Even if this belief was correct, what are the real implications? And just how likely are those awful implications?
Susie – Chances are that he really is simply busy. And even of that ex-G is back in the scene, then it wasn’t meant to be. Better that I find out now. Wait and stop sending dumb texts, or you will scare him away for sure. He’s seen that film Fatal Attraction remember, we talked about it. And if he’s not that into me, then it will be sad but I’ll get over it. I have plenty of wine.
Nick – 95% surival rate, remember. And you found it really early. You’re strong and fit. And anyway, who needs two nuts? One will be just fine. It may end up being tough for a while, but I’m not going to die.
Usefulness – How useful is this thought?
Susie – pretty useless really. It turned me into someone who was sitting checking my phone every few minutes, then getting myself more and more wound up at the extended silence. And for what? He’s just some guy I thought was kind of cute.
Nick – utterly useless. I managed to convince myself I was going to die. What a dick. I became so anxious that I got a tightness in my chest, a shortage of breath. Then I started worrying that I was having a heart attack. I was at the point of going to the Emergency Rooms to get that checked out too. What in earth was I thinking? All because I found a lump somewhere and my doctor used the word ‘probably’.
E – Externalisation – Find someone to criticise me.
Susie – called her friend. She told her to go for a walk, stop looking at her phone every 90 seconds and chill out. In fact, go for a walk without her phone. Chances are that he really is just busy. It’s that busy time of year in his work, remember? He told you that. Get on with doing your normal day to day stuff, stop looking at your phone, stop checking his Facebook status and get back to normal. If he’s a nice guy, he’ll be dropping you a line soon.
Nick – Shares his worries with his friend. – So exactly what did Google say?
“A cancerous lump on your testicles is harder, like a corn kernel.”
“And?”
“This one is soft, kind of like a fatty lump.”
“How long do you wait for a test via the NHS?”
“Could be 8 weeks”
“How much for a private CT scan?”
“£250”
“How much would you pay for 8 weeks of peaceful sleep? Just pay for a private scan, idiot. If you’re short right now I will loan it to you, pay me back later.”
Nick’s last thought before bed that night, “Oh shit, there’s that really cool girl called Susie that I met and promised to meet up with. I totally forgot to message her back. That selfie was pretty cool…..”
I hope this makes sense. Here’s one more scenario. Right now it’s COVID 19 everywhere in the news.
Let’s apply ABCDE to the COVID 19 issue, from a UK perspective. Your views will vary.
Adversity – Describe what happened
It’s a virus that came from China. There’s no known cure right now, people are dying. It’s all over the news, nothing else is being talked about. We are all on lockdown in our various countries of the world, to various degrees. Who knows what is about to happen?
Belief – What I believed and how I interpreted that
Me. – This is shit. Lots of people are going to freak out. This toilet paper thing is crazy, what are people thinking? Calm down. Look at the stats and get some facts. I swear to God, the world is going nuts. Are people really that stupid? Calm down, stop buying toilet paper. What is it with the toilet paper thing? Do you really think that in the UK the government will just leave everyone to starve? Stop filling your shopping trolley with stuff that you just don’t need. You’re only making it worse.
Average Daily Mail Reader – actually that’s not fair. Simply anyone who reads the news and doesn’t question facts – The Chinese have been eating bats and Pangolins and this virus is all over the world. I had better buy toilet paper. Lots of it. I don’t know why, but everyone else is doing that, so I better had too. And pasta, Lots of pasta.
Consequences – How I felt about it – What I did as an action
Me – OK, lets think about who is most at risk in my family, who needs to be protected. How much food do I really need to get by? How long will the empty shelves really last? People can only buy so much pasta before they either run out of money or run out of places to store stuff. I’ve got plenty of toilet roll and if I run out, I’ve have to use my imagination…..
Average News Consumer – Buy toilet roll. Will I ever see my parents again? Better buy pasta. In fact, wherever there is an empty shelf, buy what’s left on that shelf as it must be desirable if it’s almost sold out. I remember watching Mad Max, I know how this could play out. I bought a second chest freezer too, it will fit inside the garage. I can fill that so we have our fridge freezer full, our first, existing chest freezer full, plus that one that I just bought. I can fill that one tomorrow too. More toilet roll. Can you freeze toilet roll?
With me so far? I won’t fill out the rest of the sequence below, I’ll let you do that.
D – Disputation – Four ways to dispute my own unfounded accusations and thoughts.
Evidence – Is this thought actually true or is it your rumination?*
Alternatives – Is there a less destructive way to look at this?
Implications – Even if this belief was correct, what are the real implications? And just how likely are those awful implications?
Usefulness – How useful is this thought? Write down the thought and assign time later to consider it more fully. Detail ways to change the situation in the future
E – Externalisation – Find someone to criticise me.
It can be very very hard indeed sometimes to keep a perspective on things. I don’t always manage it myself, ask those who are close to me. They will be more than happy to confirm that.
I hope that this is helpful and that if you’re struggling with things, either right now in this lockdown period as I write this, or at some other point in your life, you find this simple checklist useful.
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